I am going to start writing this blog now. I know I won’t post it for days or weeks or maybe even months. But eventually I will be ready to and need to…I mean I will be changing my blog name for jeebers sake!
I am not sure where to start a blog about this subject…so I guess the beginning I guess.
I was 18 when I became pregnant with my daughter. I was 19 when I gave birth to the greatest gift this world and life has ever given me. I was 22 when I graduated from college, with much help from family and friends. I was 24 when I received my Master’s degree and married my daughter’s father all in one day. I was 25 and more than halfway through the first year of my career when I found out my husband was leaving me. I was 25 years, so many days, so many hours, and two seconds after finding out he was leaving me that I felt like my world was crashing down.
It is, as I type these words, a week and two days later and I have had a week of not eating, a week of pleading, a week of wishing, a week of hoping, a week of crying, a week of being crushed, a week of feeling hopeless.
I feel like I will have more of that and then more stuff I haven’t even prepared for. I have thought about Aubrey, finances, love, logistics, second jobs, new houses, loneliness, and much more. I have thought about how I wish I could be angry but the overwhelming urge to love this man I chose as my husband, even if he is hurting me, seems stronger. I have dreamed dreams of physically hurting him, just to make him feel my pain. I have listened to beloved friends help me through this, and honestly considered and even used some of their advice. I feel like in this past week and some I have done more than I have in the last two years. And I am scared that all the pain that seems to come in such large portions will take so long to subside. And that I will be known as the woman who lost her husband…or gave up and let him have what he wanted.
I wrote the above about three days ago. Today we told our daughter the news and it is amazing the resiliency that she has. She understands the situation, is kind of upset about it, but seems to understand it has NOTHING to do with her and that Mommy and Daddy both love her to bits and will be there for her. It makes me feel better to know how strong she is.
I am not feeling as strong. I had a small breakthrough in the middle of the last week, not acceptance so much as just a settling. I managed to get my appetite back (kind of). I didn’t feel like crawling into bed the minute I came home. And I actually enjoyed a glass (or three) of wine (totally in a non-coping way- I have avoided it because of the situation). But then yesterday I read a wedding scene in a book and the sadness started to creep back in. And it is smaller than it was four days ago. It still seems consuming. I still want more than anything else to have my husband back and my life back.
To be honest I don’t feel like everything will be okay, yet. I know one day it will and that I am strong enough to get through this. But I don’t want to, yet.
So with this life change will probably be coming some blog changes. I hope you will all hang with me as I make those changes! I will let you know before any big ones happen! I also promise to get back to blogging more soon, I do miss it!
