in which i recognize (snap snap)

ya'll i am tired and worn down

and tired of bitchin about it

i feel like every other word this week has me bitchin about how hot my 85 degree classroom is

(btw it is frickin hot- like hot were i changed my clothes today)

I also feel like i have just been complaining about how awful my life and the situations in it are

but you know i can't ignore my blessings

i have a healthy happy daughter

i have amazing friends

i have had life experiences that have taught me so much and allowed me to grow into a person i don't mind looking at in the mirror in the morning

i have a person in my life who cares about me a lot

enough to accept me, even the me who is crabby and pushy, which i often am

i have pizza and chinese and mexican food and free beer and hair dye in my life

i have a good life

and i need to start recognizing it

in which i talk about judgment

yesterday i wrote about something that was about as personal as it gets
i also felt like when i was writing it i was putting myself out there in a way that i hadn't yet done on my blog

see when i started blogging i really liked that my blog was a way to be the me that i really wanted to be
and i have actually found that this blog has helped to actually become that person irl
thinking about that though it came to me today that i still was choosing what i wanted to be on my blog

you know us bloggers, esp mommy bloggers, we love to talk about how we aren't perfect
we love to talk about our piles of laundry
or desperate unhealthy meals we serve our kids
we love to connect with others who are just as imperfect as us

but sometimes we share things that are big
like divorce or what i shared yesterday
and you can't really connect the same way as you can with someone who also throws away the tupperware when it is too moldy gross

what i shared yesterday was something that made me scared i would be judged
i would judged for being naive and allowing this situation to happen
i knew i would also be supported (and that was sooooo appreciated)
but i also knew (cause be honest we all say it: "how can that mother...xyz...") that i would be judged

but i ultimately decided that this blog is important to me
and it is important that the good, the bad, and the ugly are present in my "web" representation of myself; just like my irl representation

and i am not saying the next thing i will say for a specific reason or as a response to anyone
i am just saying it:
if you can't believe the situation i am in
if you can't believe how i could "let" it happen

join the freaking club
i can't either

in which i write about it

just saying that these last three weeks have been hard is an understatement
these last three weeks have been hell

i have no real words to explain the crap my life seems to be
i started teaching at a new school and feel lost 25% of the time
my divorce went from amicable to nasty to what seems to be a bit less mean

my child was legally taken from me- what you say?

long freaking story- a story i hate-
i'll try to sum it up in as few words as possible
had aubs at 19
thought it would be better to transfer guardianship to parents

went fine until separation

parents still had custody despite aubs living with ex and i

when we tried to switch it over (as planned)

they began to be worried

when divorce began to be a little nastier they decided maybe aubs needed to be removed from the situation

and legally they could
so they did

so my daughter lives four hours away from me
hopefully (if all goes planned) it will only be a year
there is a lot more involved in this story
but rehashing it isn't really something i am up to

so, yes, i have been absent

and i have ignored good friends who have offered help

i am sorry

i have broken down

and checked out

and i am struggling even as i write, teach, live, breathe to keep myself together each second of the day

the people who have been there for me i can never thank enough

i am moving forward now and working on what i need to do to get my daughter back and set my life as right as possible

i am asking that you give me some time and don't be upset when sometimes the post are fewer or farther between