"There is not a route to single parenthood that is more noble than
others. My husband died, and a divorced mom once lamented that her life
was much harder because people look at you and feel sorry; they look at
me and think that I failed.'"
Things to Know About Me
1. I am 26 years old
2. I am technically still married but have been separated for 1 year and 7 months
3. I have a 7 year old daughter, whose father is the man I am still married too
Those three things essentially (but not legally) make me a single parent (remember my divorce is not final)!
Now, when I found the above quote in an article from the Washington Post it stuck with me. Not for the reason you may think. Being a single parent I can handle (and to be honest my parents and support structure have been there for me all along.) What struck me was the, "I failed."
After learning of my husbands' desire to end the marriage failure was something that antagonized my thoughts for a long time. I would feel myself sinking into the despair of having not even been able to make a marriage work. Marriage to someone who I had been with since 2003, in other words for quite some time.
But slowly I came to some realizations.
Yes, I had some responsibility in the dissolution of our marriage. Did I put our relationship first always, no. Did I minister to our relationship in the way that a healthy relationship requires, no. There are many things I didn't do.
But one thing I don't think I could say I didn't do was love my husband. I did that.
Maybe not appreciated him enough, or something...
But I loved him.
And I diligently made the effort I was able to in my marriage.
When he made the decision to leave I asked him to consider counseling and giving our marriage a second chance. He made the decision not to and I had to respect that.
It was the right thing for me to do.
But I still feel like I had failed.
I had not loved him enough.
Or well enough. Or the right way.
I had failed to make him happy. I had failed to satisfy him and his needs.
I had failed.
And I felt this way for quite awhile. Well-meaning friends and honest friends told me I had not failed. It was him that had failed.
And I slowly began to let go of those feelings of failure. Or maybe just ignore them. And then I got to a point where it really, just didn't matter.
And then I read the article about being a single parent. And the way that other perceive those of us that are gifted the title through divorce.
And I thought of the fierce desire I had to prove that just because I wasn't married to my daughters father (or wouldn't be some day) that I wasn't failure. And then I realized I didn't need to do that.
People will make all kinds of assumptions when they hear my story, which to be honest I am hesitant to do more and more often.
They will assume and judge and decide for me. And that really what all along I was most scared of feeling was that I had failed as a parent. Because if I could fail as a wife, I could also fail at being a parent.
Well, while I have had my doubts (what parents doesn't) about what is the absolute best, all the time, for Aubrey- I have never seen myself as a failure as a parent.
Aubrey shines. She is my success.
I haven't failed.
One final note: the next time you have a friend who is going through a
divorce/break up remember this please. Failure is a feeling that worms
down in and is hard to root out. And it is possibly, or in my case
anyways, the one that stays around the longest. But it stays in the
shape of a paralyzing fear of making the same mistake again. Do me a
favor, remind them please, failure is not infinite. It does not pervade into every aspect of our lives unless we allow it. Failure in one moment does not equate to failure in every moment. And what seems like failure isn't always that.
Platitudes, yes. Cliches, maybe.
If you don't think they will help, give them a hug. That always does.
